Monthly Archives: July 2012

From the subway tunnel to the city park: An inspirational gnome story

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I assume you all know my gnome brother, Horace. After years of separation, we have finally been reunited in The Gnome Abode! I didn’t even know I had a brother. But, cool!

All the details are still fuzzy, but based upon from the MGR (missing gnome report) that Horace showed me, I was kidnapped by an evil troll living below Gnomeland’s underground subway tunnel. I don’t know what the troll wanted from me or why he chose me specifically. All I do know is that my memory was erased down there. Probably for the best.

Saturday night, I woke up with a terrible headache and my brother, Horace, was standing over me. I only knew that he was my brother, Horace, because he told me he was my brother, Horace. I have no memories, remember?! Plus, we kind of look alike.

Well I take that back….I do remember one thing. “Doors open on the left at Clark and Lake”. Those words ring in my ears at all times. I can only assume that some sort of recording played those words over and over down in the subway tunnel while I was held captive by that evil troll. Since that’s the only thing I can remember, that is what I have chosen as my name. Makes sense, right?

Horace told me that he had left The Gnome Abode to rescue me. I don’t know how he knew where I was. You’ll have to ask Horace for those details.

Yesterday was my first day of freedom! Horace took me to the park and introduced me to liquor and art! Here I am sitting in the sunshine (my ears got so sunburned!) on a beach towel in the park! The light of day! The beautiful light of day!

Horace taught me how to mix something called vodka with something called aloe vera juice. Very tasty!

He also taught me how to draw with colored pencils. I can only assume that he’s a world famous artist. I mean just look at how many different colors of pencils he has!

Horace also taught me how to take what he calls a photograph. He let me borrow his fancy camera and I took a photograph of this tree. I think it’s pretty cool.

I love the outdoors! I’m never going under ground ever, ever again!

Death to trolls,

Doors Open On The Left At Clark And Lake, The Gnome

(P.S. – any suggestions for revenge upon trolls would be greatly appreciated)

Spend your Friday Night at Gnomecino Casino!

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That slutty little gnome girl I picked up at the pool seems to be working out okay after all. I put her in charge of running the diner at my casino and business has been booming lately!

I have noticed that all the diner patrons are horny old men though. Now I don’t have a problem with that AT ALL because that’s the type of clientele that makes Gnomecino Casino some serious cash. Roxy made a couple complaints (which is strictly forbidden in the contract she signed, but I let this one slide) that the diners wouldn’t stop grabbing her boobs.

I tell her….Roxy! Cover ’em up and they won’t get grabbed. She tells me….Humps! If I cover them up we’ll go out of business!

Point Roxy.

So I hired a bodyguard for her. This badass gnome is from Austin, Texas and rides a duck around. Rumor has it that his duck has trampled gnomes three times his size. Those webbed feet are MAGIC.

He had some weird cowboy name that was stupid so I’m in the process of re-naming him.

If you’re planning to stop by the casino tonight, be sure to check out our live show on the main stage. I don’t know who these fools are, but apparently some gangbanger who goes by “Lil’ Dimwit” is rapping along side some random ass band called “Amish Meth Lab”. I have no idea what to expect.

I’m sure no one else has heard of them either so come by and fill a seat whydontcha. I’ll throw in a free watered down margarita to the first 5 gnomes who show up.

Later bitches,

Humps the Gnome

What’s up with this “Butt-Gnome Religion”?

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According to Pascal Press,

“Winston Bedwell held a news conference Saturday asking for help to petition the US government to recognize the establishment a Butt-Gnomes as an official religion. Bedwell was adamant that there are gnomes living in the lower intestines of everyone in the world, and influence how we act and decide our fate in the afterlife.”

http://pascalspress.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/man-wants-recognition-of-butt-gnome-religion/

Bedwell went so far as to post a photo which he described as a bad Butt Gnome after expulsion.

Religion has always been a bit of a sketchy subject in the gnome community. Although we are not aware of any official gnome religion, many gnomes tend to adopt the religion of their human caregivers. I’ve met a fair share of Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Hindi, and Buddhist gnomes who have a clear understanding of their religious beliefs. However, most of us wander around not knowing what’s real, what’s bullshit, and if there is really any more to life than this.

According to WowWiki, gnomes are generally agnostic, atheists, pagans, communists, and being converted into Cataclysm. Apparently there are Gnomish Holy Light clerics in Nethergarde, but they seem to unstable to worship it en-masse.Seems like we are all over the place, eh?

http://www.wowwiki.com/Talk:Gnome

But now I come across an article about this Butt-Gnome Religion. It seems just about as reasonable as any other religion really. And it seems more relevant to gnomes in general, which we appreciate because we are generally self-centered.

I propose that this Sunday, we hold a Butt-Gnome Religion study group to begin investigating this new belief system and decide whether it fits the needs of The Gnome Abode.

Gnomes of all backgrounds and belief systems are welcome to attend and encouraged to bring your own ideas, suggestions, and snacks. Booze will be provided, of course. Start time shall be 12:00 noon.

Please contact me with any questions about this event, dear wayward gnomes, and we shall find the light together.

Your self-appointed spiritual leader,

The Quick Brown Fox The Gnome

Who is this guy?!?

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One of our most favorite Gnome Scouts (who goes by the name, Much) located this amazing photograph on Pintrest. We are dying to know who this man is and where he is located so that we can stalk him.

His gnome community looks amazing and we need to make best friends with each and every one of them. We will travel anywhere to meet him. He may actually be a freakishly tall gnome himself!

Anyone with any information whatsoever should comment on this post.

Puhleeeze!!!

X’Smores The Gnome

 

 

Sheldon’s Surgical Miracle

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Even though I generally hate my brother Sheldon, I feel his pain. And he is family after all.

As you may recall, I was recently injured in a fishing accident. However, his injuries are far worse. It is true that he was in a bar fight, but you should have seen the other guy!

Maurice and I rushed to the hospital to find our poor brother being held together by scotch tape and missing a leg entirely. He was still half drunk off sangria and kept muttering angry words under his breath. I’m not really sure what the whole story is yet or what caused the bar fight, so I guess I’ll have to wait ’til he’s more coherent.

Much to our relief, there was minimal waiting time in the ER and the surgeon wasted no time using an extra large container of epoxy and steady hands. Pictured here are the hands of master surgeon, Gnomecow.

After a couple hours into the surgical procedure, Sheldon started to flat line. Reinforcements were brought in. Shown here is world-renown gnome surgeon, Happy Go Lucky The Monkey with TWO bottles of extra strength epoxy.

That little monkey knew his shit! By the end of last night, Sheldon was standing! Standing! On his own two feet! We thought he’d look like a freak show forever! I mean, sure, he does have a chuck missing from his leg and his crotch (please don’t ask for details), but all in all, he’s looking a million times more gnome-like.

To make him feel a little better, we compared battle wounds and realized that our feet were chipped off at a similar spot. I’ve never felt such a close bond to my brother. Stupid Maurice just sleeps all day, so it’s no wonder his feet are 100% in tact. He doesn’t even use his feet! Life is so goddamn unfair.

I helped Sheldon out of the hospital last night and he had the brightest smile on his face as he limped our of the ER. Physical therapy and all kinds of hardcore pain pills are in his immediate future, but he is going to take one day at a time. He may have to take a little time off from traveling, although I don’t dare bring that up to him yet. Dear god that wouldn’t go over well at all.

He is sure to have a lot of time on his hands in the next few weeks, as he is going to be somewhat bed-ridden, so you’ll probably see some posts soon about the adventure that led up to this successful surgical miracle.

Yours in brotherly love,

Séamus