Humans Assumed Responsible for Even More Missing Gnomes in Australia

Why do you humans keep disrupting our lives? WHY?!

Are you sick and tired of reading “missing gnome” posts on our blog? Well we’re tired of going missing! Ever think about that? Hmm?

We know we’re adorable. We know we made a good stiff drink. However, there has yet to be even a single documented case of human kidnapping at the hands of gnomes. We only ask that you return the simple favor.

A hand-carved wooden gnome went missing just 17 days after it was placed at Gnomesville, a popular tourist destination in Ferguson Valley. This is in Australia for those of you who are geographically challenged.

gnomesville

Gnomesville has thousands of gnomes who have left their gardens to be a part of something bigger…something magnificent. Legend has it that a long, long time ago, a Gnome was travelling on an Australian country road. It was at night and far from anywhere. All around was leafy and green. A pleasant place. He stayed a while. And another while. Other Gnomes passed and visited, and many stayed. Word passed around.

Anyway, back to the atrocity.

A dude hand-carved a wood spirit gnome for Gnomeville visitors to admire and enjoy. Then some asshole snatched him. WTF mate?!

woodspirit

“The piece of jarrah wood is about one metre long so wouldn’t have been easy to move,” wrote the carver’s daughter, Clair Bedford. “I can only hope that the thief or thieves are able to see sense and return him to his rightful place, under cover of darkness if necessary.”

Have you seen this carving in some jerk’s backyard? If so, contact the Bunbury Newspaper at editor.bunburymail@fairfaxmedia.com.au. This madness has gone on long enough. For the most part, you all get to choose where you want to live. Let us choose our gnome homes too.

Or else.

Signed,
Humps the Bouncer Gnome

Naughty Knitted Gnomes: Coming to a Neighborhood Near You

Gnomes and crafts kinda sorta go hand-in-hand. Wouldn’t you agree?

One group of knitters in the UK have been knitting up naughty gnomes and strategically placing them in the gardens at the Sunnyfield House Community Center. But these are no ordinary gnomes…these are badass gnomes!

gno1

Some of them are mooning each other, some are karate chopping each other’s heads off, and others are wearing (gasp!) thongs. Clearly, the Guisborough Knitwits are my kind of crafters!

gno2

Apparently, one of the group’s members found a gnome pattern and the other members began interpreting it in different ways, creating super unique gnomes that blew everyone’s mind.

knit2

We Drunk Gnomes think these knitted gnomes are awesome, and although our craft skills are undoubtedly sub-par, we still wanna get our hands on that knitting pattern. So after a little online stalking, I uncovered the Guisborough Knitwits Facebook page. Success!

A creepy stranger message has been sent out into the void in hopes of gaining access to this underground naughty knitted gnome world. Fingers crossed!

xoxo,
Tabitha the Gnome

Photo credit: Guisborough Knitwits

Friday Afternoon Literature Break: What the Heck is a Tomten?!

Before the clock strikes 5 and your brain starts swimming in beer, I thought I’d fill it with something useful.

A book recommendation!

Allow me to introduce you to a little ditty I like to call A Visit of the Tomten. Actually I didn’t call it that originally. Barry Johnson did. You see, he’s the author and that’s kinda sorta what authors do.

A tomten, also known a a tomte, is mythological creature from Scandinavian folklore associated with the winter solstice and the Christmas season. But that doesn’t make him an elf, so don’t make that gross assumption!

tomten1

We like to think a tomten is more like a gnome. Naturally.

In Barry’s book, the tomten brings the animals some Christmas gifts. But when they’re pissed off at what they get, the tomten explains the reasons behind the gifts, The wise old bugga emphasizes the importance of thinking of others and avoiding selfishness. The animals feel crappy about themselves vows to be less prick-like.

Right on!

If you can’t get enough tomtens like us, also check out Astrid Lindgren’s book cleverly titled, The Tomten. Street cred spoiler alert: she wrote Pippi Longstocking and won the Hans Christian Anderson Award! Editorial reviews refer to this tomten as an invisible troll and a small elf-like person. 

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“A tomten is a gnome like creature that stands watch while the rest of the world is sleeping. This old tale should be recommended reading for everyone. The tomten is disappearing with our grandparents and great-grandparents. This is a wonderful tale!” – Book Review by Naterby via Amazon

Tomtens are so mysterious, aren’t they?!

Apparently these tomten books are based on a poem called “The Tomte” by Viktor Rydberg. Curious how it goes?

The Tomte

Deep in the grip of the midwinter cold
Stars send a sparkling light.
All are asleep on this lonely farm,
Deep in the winter night.
The pale white moon is wanderer,
And snow lies white on pine and fir.
Snow glows on rooftop shake.
The tomte alone is awake.Gray, he stands by the low barn door,
Gray by the drifted snow,
Gazing, as many winters he’s gazed,
Up at the moon’s chill glow,
Then at the forest where fir and pine
Circle the farm in a dusky line,
Mulling relentlessly
A riddle that has no key.

Rubs his hand through his beard and hair,
Shakes his head and his cap.
“No, that question is much too deep,
I cannot fathom that.”
Then making his mind up in a hurry,
He shrugs away the annoying worry;
Turns at his own command,
Turns to the task at hand.

Goes to the storehouse and toolshop doors,
Checking the locks of all,
While the cows dream on in the cold moon’s light,
Summer dreams in each stall.
And free of harness and whip and rein,
Even Old Palle dreams again.
The manger he’s drowsing over
Brims with fragrant clover.

The tomte glances at sheep and lambs
Cuddled in quiet rest.
The chickens are next, where the rooster roosts
High above straw filled nests.
Burrowed in straw, hearty and hale,
Karo wakens and wags his tail
As if to say, “Old friend, “Partners we are to the end.”

At last the tomte tiptoes in
To see how the housefolk fare.
He knows full well the strong esteem
They feel for his faithful care.
He tiptoes into the children’s beds,
Silently peers at their tousled heads.
There is no mistaking his pleasure:
These are his greatest treasure.

tomten3Long generations has he watched
Father to son to son
Sleeping as babes. But where, he asks,
From where, from where have they come?
Families came, families went,
Blossomed and aged, a lifetime spent,
Then-Where? That riddle again
Unanswered in his brain!Slowly he turns to the barnyard loft,
His fortress, his home and rest,
High in the mow, in the fragrant hay
Near to the swallow’s nest.
The nest is empty, but in the spring
When birds mid leaves and blossoms sing,
And come with her tiny mate.

Then will she talke of the journey tell.
Twittering to all who hear it,
But nary a hint for the question old
That stirs in the tomte’s spirit.
Now through cracks in the haymow wall
The moon lights tomte and hay and all,
Lights his beard through the chinks,
The tomte ponders and thinks.

Still is the forest and all the land,
Locked in this wintry year.
Only the distant waterfall
Whispers and sighs in his ear.
The tomte listens and, half in dream,
Thinks that he hears Time’s endless stream,
And wonders, where is it bound?
Where is its source to be found?

Deep in the grip of the midwinter cold,
Stars send a sparkling light.
All are asleep on this lonely farm,
Late in this winter night.
The pale white moon is a wanderer,
Snow lies white on pine and fir;
Snow glows on rooftop shake.
The tomte alone is awake.

Well I’ll let you ponder that for the rest of the evening while you get your drink on.

Tootaloo!
The Quick Brown Fox the Gnome

33 Gnomes Found in Van and Seized by Police

Leave it to the UK to crank out awesome headlines like “Gnomes in police custody after night-time adventure.”

Apparently, someone was driving around the Banff area with 33 gnomes and some other miscellaneous lawn ornaments in the back of a van. The driver was pulled over (for some reason?) and the gnomes were identified as those belonging to residents of the Aberdeenshire area.

What a joyride!

Scotland’s favorite schoolboy, Oor Wullie, was joyriding along with the renegade gnomes as well. A schoolboy….what fun! The gnomes are believed to have been taken from local residences between Wednesday and Thursday this week.

van

If you’re missing a gnome or know someone who is, The Courier newspaper may be able to get you reconnected. Send an email over to online@thecourier.co.uk. The police could probably use a little help reuniting gnomes with gnome owners too, if you could lend a helping hand.

Keep in mind, this is BREAKING NEWS and we don’t have the full details of the story yet.

  • Who IS the driver of the van?
  • What IS his/her connection to the gnome community?
  • Where were they all going on that joyride?
  • Were the gnomes kidnapped or did they leave their homes willingly?

You’d better bet our gnome sleuths are on the case. Tip us off if you hear anything!

Sincerely,
Lieutenant SpeakNoGnome, the Gnome

BREAKING NEWS: GNOMES DYING FROM FUNGUS?!?

According to Journalism.co.uk, “Scientists have announced that, after years of research, they have managed to decode the genome of the common garden gnome!”

Gnomes around the world have been warned about a deadly fungus that lurks in compost heaps and threatens to wipe out the gnomish population by the year 2020.

GAFFI-GNOMES3c

Did you know that gnomes suffer from growth hormone deficiency? Yep, we do alright.

Gnomes are dropping like flies!

Our immune systems can’t handle this fungal disease and something must be done!

“GAFFI President Dr. David Denning, who is Professor of Fungal Medicine at the University of Manchester, says that fungal disease is known to affect almost 300 million humans across the globe but this is the first time Aspergillosis has been diagnosed in gnomes. He wants people who discover diseased gnomes to report it on the GAFFI website.”

And listen up…gnomes are considered to be “endangered,” and we’re genetic cousins to humans. This means that what you get sick from, we get sick from too. UGH!

This is truly alarming news. I’m pleading with you….help save gnomes from fungus!!!

Your friendly family physician,
Dr. A. Chu, MD, the Gnome